Sometimes it takes a movie like 'Gone with the Wind' to give you a little perspective.

So, I'm still here. Things, while really tight financially, aren't half as dire as I thought they'd be.

Jon, Laura, J - thank you for your comments. I do appreciate them. Jon, you're comment about let's do talk about the shitty times really opened my eyes and made me think. Also made me realize how much I miss talking to you and spending time with you. You've been a better friend to me than most, and I love you for it.

Yes, things are tight financially. We're still recovering from Christmas bills, so Rick's paying my bills on top of that are leaving us running very lean. But we're getting by. We're not getting into the hole. We may still be able to take our Anniversary vacation up into the Redwood Forests. And my mom is going to help, too. I told her I wanted money for my birthday, (After finally telling her what had happened), and she's going to help. It won't cover it all, but it'll help.

In the aftermath of that blow that Parkland dealt me, I raced to get a million other things done. Among them was to apply for some county jobs, and to apply to San Jose State, which is where I'd always intended on transferring to. The results of this are that I've been invited to the next phase in hiring for a position as a Library page (And how I'd love to work at a library), and I've been admitted to San Jose State for the Fall 2008 semester. So no matter what happens, I'll be going back to school in the fall. This library position is only part time, but it would be income, it would be doing something I love, and it would keep me from going stir crazy here in the house. We'll see how it goes. There's no guarantee I'll get the job, but I'm keeping my fingers cautiously crossed.

In other news, I'm sick. Again. The week before Christmas I got horribly sick. In the space of two hours I went from feeling fine to not being able to sit up I was so congested and dizzy and miserable. Thus proceeded a week of bemoaning my own existence while staying perpetually dosed on Dayquil, Nyquil, Zicam, Vitamin C drops, Delsym and Ibuprofens. I was surprised because I hadn't gotten really terribly sick in a number of years. And it wasn't the flu, because I had a flu shot back in late October. Well I got better and that was that. Until 3 days ago. It started with a nagging earache that quickly became a screaming one with pain all the way down into my jaw and leaving me crying in bed because it hurt so bad. I was running a steady fever of 100. Yesterday I got in to see the doctor, and sure enough I have a raging ear infection! Now I'm on Neomicyn ear drops, Amoxycillin tablets, and Percocet because it hurts so bad. Getting this sick, this close together, is unheard of for me. I'm wondering if my immune system has taken a dive recently. If it has, the antibiotics will help beef it up a little. I'm going to keep an eye on it for a few months, see if I get sick again. If so, then I think it'll be time to ask the doctor if there isn't some underlying thing going on.

Our Leo is getting bigger and bigger. Sometime soon, maybe even this weekend, we're going to get some more pictures of him taken, which I'll post here.

I would like to continue this post, but I'm starting to feel poorly sitting up, so I'll stop for now.

So.

Parkland has suspended my financial aid. Their reason? I've supposed reached the cap of 96 total hours attempted that one can at a community college and not graduate with a degree. This includes all courses one has withdrawn from, or received an Incomplete for. I have a handful of W's that is detracted from my total, would put me very safely back UNDER the 96 hour cap.

However.

One has to appeal a decision of this sort. Classes begin January 14. The Appeals Committee meets January 25. I've already mailed in my appeal, with appropriate supporting documentation. According to the process, I can still attend class, and if my appeal is denied, then I'll be allowed to drop the courses without it appearing on my record. If the Appeal is granted, Financial Aid is immediately re-instated, and all is well with the world.

Except.

Parkland's new system of payments means that classes must be pre-paid for, or have some sort of payment arrangement set up. Without one of these two things, you will be dropped from all courses by Jan. 4. I can't pay for classes without my financial aid. Therefore, I will be automatically dropped from all classes before they begin. Thus, when the Appeals committee meets and looks at my case, their logic conclusion will be to deny my appeal, since I won't be registered for any classes at the time.

"But in Battalions..."

Meanwhile, I make haste to see if I can squeeze into the Spring semester at San Jose State - only to find out that the deadline to apply for spring semester there closed on December 1. Not only that, but they don't have incoming students for the summer sessions, either. The earliest I can start there, would be the fall of 2008. I have a GPA of 3.78. I'm not worried about not being admitted. In fact I have already started the process and am awaiting a copy of my transcript to be sent to them. After that, I'll re-do my FAFSA on Jan. 1, and will be good to go to the next step of that process.


Kill me one more time.

As of now I have 58 dollars in my checking account and ZERO income for the foreseeable future. I have already applied to several jobs, but according to Rick, chances are one in a million to find any work within six months. So I'm destitute. Tomorrow I'll find someplace to buy back all my old textbooks. Or as many as I can sell off. After that, I'll start on the DVD collection. Then the books. Then the clothes. My failure to produce at least some income has resulted in our having to cancel our Anniversary vacation to the Redwood forests. Rick speaks very practically and pragmatically about it, saying he'll cover my expenses - phone bill and credit card bills, until I either get a job, or get back in school. He consoles me and tells me we've been through worse and that we'll get through this. And I try not to cry myself to sleep and wonder how much anger he's hiding.

I contemplate leaving. Just going, leaving everything behind for him to sell and get what he can, and just disappearing. I think of how it would be better for him, would make things easier for him, to not have some free-loading monstrosity hanging onto him. I've begun to think about leaving in another way, too. That way's harder, and harsher, and I don't have the materials yet.

I haven't told anyone besides Rick. I wouldn't know how. And anyone hearing it would just think I was digging for money. I write it here because I need to get it out of me, even if only for an hour or so. I've had Mozart's Requiem on repeat. Seems fitting - Wolfie's Death Mass presiding over me as I slowly choke on my self made desperation.

That's all I have to say, really. We never talk about the good times, do we?